In seventh grade, in the back of my parents’ car, on the way home from another disastrous school-wide dance, my friend Rebekah and I lied to each other in the nicest possible way.
“Nerds,” we told ourselves, “Are awesome.”
They were the most misunderstood subgroup in the high school hierarchy. Everyone should want to be one. Those snotty popular girls who had hurled insults down the school hallway toward us that night? They were just jealous. And they were wrong, too, because we were most assuredly not nerds.
Okay, fine, we admitted as the car turned a corner and a street lamp splashed yellow light into the back, highlighting our awkward hair and gawky arms. So what if we sort of were? It might not be permanent. If we could outgrow training bras, dollhouses with hand-painted shutters, and unrequited crushes, we could outgrow this. Nerdhood? Already speeding into the past, baby.
Only, that was a lie. The biggest of all.
Because now, two decades later, I have realized something. Almost every major decision I have made in my life has depended on my latent nerdhood, from my English major to my novel writing. And every purchase backs it up. The deluxe, shiny black Scrabble board on its spinny little stand. The pressed-wood clipboard and cushy mechanical pencil whose sole job is to support our nightly New York Times crossword habit. The books spilling off the bedroom shelves. This laptop, on which I’ve written novels in my free time instead of shopping at the mall, loitering around the bike racks, slipping frogs into the principal’s pillowcase, or whatever it is the cool kids do at age thirty-five.
I am a nerd, a bookworm. Still. Always. Even when I hide it. I have not outgrown it, and I probably never will. And lately I’ve decided I don’t want to. Because the hobbies that earned me taunts when I was twelve make me happy now. I embrace them.
I will always read novels in public, and scribble in notebooks, and continue to not know the rules of football. I will be introverted and sometimes awkward, and see my tendency to lean against walls at parties as character research. I will be bookish. Someday I will probably wear glasses. I will never be graceful. I will never be cool. But I’ll take joy over those things any day. And that’s one thing that has changed.
Because you know what? We were right, that painful, long-ago evening. Nerddom is awesome. So are confidence and joy and doing what you love. The rest really doesn’t matter.
What about you? Are you anything like you were in high school? Most importantly, what kind of nerd are you?
Lovely post. It’s really unfortunate that some people choose to put down those with scholarly interests. I think nerds, when they are true to themselves and comfortable in their own skin, can be pretty cool.
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I so agree! It was especially bad when I was in middle school and high school. So glad it’s a little better now that I’m an adult.
I’m still in high school, and I’m the nerd who used to spend lunchtimes in the library writing (now there are computers in the common room which let me socialize at the same time). The kids at your high school sound like they were really nasty. Everyone wants to read the stuff I write. Maybe my whole class consists of nerds… 🙂
Bonnee, that’s wonderful! Wow! I wish my school had been like that. So great that they’re encouraging your writing, too. That support means a lot.
I was home schooled until my Junior year in high school so when I entered the public school I was looked upon as the “new” girl in many respects, and because I hadn’t established my set of friends or had bad experiences with anyone in middle school and beyond, I was able to move freely between the social groups, although my heart was with the drama & choir kids!
I am a history and word nerd all the way! I worked with the Minnesota Historical Society for ten years at the Charles A. Lindbergh Historic Site and my husband called me a Lindbergh Nerd. I love history and little known trivia facts – and I share them freely!
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That is so cool, Gabrielle! I moved in in the sixth grade, and I think we kind of got locked into certain roles by the end of seventh. It was very difficult to break out of those; even if you thought you had, it was impossible to change others’ impressions.
Your job sounds terrific, by the way!
I’m not sure I like nerds being so popular these days. It was the outsider status that made it so appealing for me,
mood
Moody Writing
@mooderino
The Funnily Enough
Ha! Yes, I can see that. 🙂
I wasn’t such a terrible bookworm — but I was tall. And so I remember those rides home from dances. All the boys were shorter than me and that combined with my introverted tendencies didn’t add up to a lot of dances at the dance. Now I love to read…when I get the chance. You were the smart one. I should have been worrying less about getting asked to dance and reading more.
Oh, believe me, I worried about that stuff a LOT. Way, way too much. Except I spent the time I should have been doing math homework to worry about it. And, yes, some of my English homework time, too, because who wants to diagram sentences when they can read a relaxing novel or dwell on who’s asking whom to Homecoming?
Well, if nerd equals intelligent, witty, and well-read, then call me nerd, baby! Great post, Caryn!
Woohoo! High five, Vickie! 🙂
“I will always read novels in public, and scribble in notebooks, and continue to not know the rules of football. ”
That’s me! All of those things! I’m proud to be a nerd. I didn’t like it as a kid, but now that it’s more accepted (and as Mooderino said, even more popular), I’m more comfortable with it. No matter how trendy nerdiness gets, though, I was a nerd before it was cool. 😉
Love, love, love this! That’s exactly it!
Nerds unite! I was a nerd but tried to hide it. Now, I’m not embarrassed by my geeky tendencies anymore. 🙂
Nerds are the best kind of people. Part of being “cool” is being distant, unaffected, dispassionate about things. Part of being a nerd is allowing yourself to be excited about what interests you, which is why nerds have more fun. The cool kids are too busy being cool.
AMEN. I’ve always been a nerd and a bookworm. It took me forever to accept that, but when I did, it felt like a weight off my shoulders. People who don’t get it are just jealous!