Warning: Moderately explicit imagery ahead. If you are young and impressionable, easily shocked, or my parents, feel free to move along.
This morning I kicked off my list of errands with a stop at the fitness center, where I pounded out a 55-minute suffer fest on their diabolical machines. I find that ignoring exercise is the easiest way to get through it, so I queued up an old audiobook that I bought last year based on an inexplicable number of five-star reviews and never could finish.
Almost immediately, the two main characters jumped into bed together (and by bed, I mean the shower). Since I’m not one for the, uh, more intimate scenes, I set the player to double speed and hoped the hero and heroine found quick gratification.
They did not. Their staying power was impressive, their stamina improbable. And the author described everything in such detail that even the most die-hard love scene fans would find it tedious. It went on. And on. And on. Annoyed, I finally gave up, stopping the book well before the big finish (if their recent performance was any indication).
Over the next hour Sunshine and I drove all over town, ticking through my to-do list. Just before lunchtime, when my exercise session and the accompanying book were a distant and unpleasant memory, we hit our final stop.
My iPod dock recently died – it could play music, but it couldn’t charge any devices. Since it was less than a month old, I took it back to Radio Shack to see what they could do. I explained the issue and handed it to the guy at the counter, a skinny kid in his early twenties. Just to be helpful, I also passed over my iPod so he could diagnose the problem. Because I’d already gone through a few rounds of testing on my own, the dock’s volume was up. When the guy clicked my iPod into place and pressed the play button, it positively blared my audiobook, the narrator picking up mid-sentence with the lascivious, “…circling lazily around her nipple.”
Horrified, I leapt forward and yanked the iPod out of the dock, but it was too late. The store was utterly silent, every customer frozen in place. A million explanations came to mind, but I was a second too late for a convincing, “Oh, my. I wonder how that got on there?”
The awkwardness hung in the air until, flustered, the salesclerk thrust a new dock at me and wished me a good afternoon. He couldn’t quite meet my eyes, which was fine since I couldn’t look at him either. Through force of will I lifted my chin, flashed a cursory smile in his general direction, thanked him, and fled. Sunshine, oblivious, waved a cheerful goodbye to everyone on our way out the door.
Although I’ll have to let the incident ripen a bit before I know for certain, I believe this morning’s debacle just nudged aside number three on my list of Most Embarrassing Moments. (Yes, there are two that are worse than this.) Want to make me feel better? Share one of yours below, or put it up on your blog and give me a link in the comments so I can go check it out.
LOL … literally, I just laughed out loud. After spending the past five hours editing and querying, your blog post was the perfect way to lighten things up. Thank you for that!
Seriously, though, I totally get the mortification. I can’t even imagine how many shades of red you must have turned. On the bright side, at least Sunshine’s too young to understand what happened?
I have tons of embarrassing moments. One was all the way back in seventh grade, when I said “lbs” instead of “pounds” during an oral presentation on the sea otter (I HATE public speaking and got so flustered that I basically read my notecards verbatim, even when clearly the abbreviation wasn’t a word on its own). The second one happened when I was twenty-three and somehow managed to not only trip over an open suitcase, but fall into the metal bar on its side. It’s funny in retrospect, but holy COW, did it hurt. Five years later and I still have a dent in my shin from it – and, of course, I continue to get teased about it!
Thanks! I’m glad I could make your day a little more fun. You deserve a little fun, too, since I do believe you’re supposed to be on vacation right now.
By the way, your story reminded me of the time I broke my toe TWICE. We were in a hotel and it was very dark. I forgot there was a small coffee table, so I banged into it on the way to the bathroom. Then, on the way back, I hit it again with the very same toe. My husband kept asking if I was okay, but I could tell he was trying so hard not to laugh at the same time. Can’t blame him – it actually was kind of funny in retrospect.
Oh, my!
By which, of course, I mean that sounds completely like something I would do! With my youngest in tow. Who would, without a doubt, ask me to play that one about the nipple again. No doubt.
I have SO many….but since I brought him up…I’ll just leave you with one involving my youngest, for now.
There are a few quiet moments during church on Sunday. It is a given that this is when your child will embarrass you. But a year or so ago, my son took advantage of the relative silence and his new-found vocabulary to YELL: “Father D is a boy. HE HAS A PENIS!”
Lory, I have to tell you that your comment made me laugh out loud. Not a ladylike chuckle or a tiny giggle, but a full-on LAUGH. Thanks for that!
I’m so sorry but I laughed so hard. It’s the type of thing you see in movies. Something with Steve Carell. Anyways, yes, I can see why you are frustrated with audiobooks. However, perhaps it’s not audiobooks in general but just this audiobook.
Laugh away, Clarissa! Even as I drove back home I was already thinking about who I should tell because they might find it funny, even if I couldn’t laugh about it quite yet.
As for audiobooks, you’re totally right. It’s not their fault. It was operator error, 100%. I love audiobooks – well, other than this one, at least. They help make so many mundane tasks so much more fun.
HA! I laughed out loud at this. Too embarrassing!! I found your blog through a friend’s and boy am I glad I did. This was very entertaining. Thanks! 😀
OH. MY. GOD.
That truly is one of the best embarrassing moments I’ve ever heard. I can’t even top that (and I’m a klutz, so that’s saying something.)
Congrats on landing an agent, BTW! it’s nice to hear an inspirational story!
Well, at least you know that we feel your pain. 😀 Like those people had never read a book or seen a movie like that! Palease. LOL. It reminds me of when I worked at Old Tucson. I had a friend who played a dancing girl. She took her preschooler to a store, where she announced to two fawning women that her mommy danced for a living. Uh huh. Not the right kind of dancing that came to mind.
I’m laughing so hard I can hardly type much less think.
I’ve had some lulus but I can’t top that.
Giggles and Guns
Oh my! What an experience! I haven’t listened to a romance audiobook, but I think I would be, like you, so uncomfortable I’d turn if off. I usually skip over those intimate moments, which is usually fine. There was this one time when the protagonists declared their love while “in the throws of passion” and their love proclamation came up later in the book. I was thoroughly confused.
Soooo…what was the name of that book? 🙂 ha ha ha…
Oh dear. I think I’d practically combust in your shoes (I have a very, very low embarrassment level). I’m not sure I can top that.