Dear Spring:
We would like to thank you for your continued years of faithful service. Your performance has been unfailingly cheerful and, at the risk of sounding politically incorrect, your grooming beautifies the place.
However, it has come to our attention that your lack of consistency has caused a number of problems, especially in the areas of production and public relations. This has resulted in considerable delays in crops, such as those illustrated below, as well as dropping customer approval ratings. As a result, the board has determined that you shall be subjected to a probationary period, which will last no less than one half decade and no longer than one century. This is effective immediately. This has been a difficult decision, made with heavy hearts, but in the end we must ensure that all seasons, fronts and spells we oversee best represent the Weather Oversight Board, as well as the weather in general.
In order to receive full reinstatement of your powers, you must agree to and meet with the following requirements:
1) March shall no longer “come in like a lion”. It shall be a lamb throughout. Leonine behavior is merely an excuse for spotty service, and shall no longer be tolerated.
2) Once the flowers arrive, you do, too. This means no more frost, and most certainly no more snow. You may exercise your powers to the point of providing brisk breezes and occasional hail; more extreme weather is limited to those who control winter and, in some cases, late autumn. If you wish, you may request a transfer to either of these departments.
3) Blatant favoritism shall be considered inappropriate and grounds for immediate dismissal. This refers specifically to your habit of providing certain areas of the country with balmy, late-spring weather while other parts are mired in temperatures befitting mid-January.
As you are aware, we encourage communication between members of the Weather Oversight Board and those seasons, fronts, and spells we oversee. For this reason, if you have any questions during or after this probationary period, we encourage you to contact us.
Once again, we would like to thank you for your continued service.
Sincerely,
Jack M. Frost
President, Weather Oversight Board
Very funny! Ha! Although I can’t really relate from down here in So Cal. (Sorry had to say that!). However, I just got off the phone with my sister in Toronto who is planning a bike ride today before a cold snap hits on Thursday. She can relate to your wonderful letter.
Hahahahahahaha! I was out for Seattle’s big St. Pat’s Dash last Sunday. In the SNOW! Great big beautiful fluffy cold, windy, miserable snow. I should not still be having worse weather than my Iowa relatives. LOL. Seems this winte… I mean spring, I’m just out of luck. I’ll have to enjoy the pretty and dress warmer. Though in this area, I have to take a coat to the grocery store all summer, especially if I plan to get anywhere near the arctic freezer section.
Hear, hear!
My favorite part was, “Leonine behavior is merely an excuse for spotty service, and shall no longer be tolerated.”
hee hee hee.
Those terms sound quite reasonable to me.
@Erica – Here’s hoping you can get your garden in soon. Though I suppose the rain must be good for it.
@Barry – I admit I’m jealous of your weather, though having bad weather does, I suppose, make me appreciate the good weather. If we ever get good weather, that is!
@Kristi – Wow! It sounds like you live somewhere really cold. A coat in the summer?
@Alyssa & Stacy – Yay! Two more people who will gladly sign the petition?
Caryn, you’re a genius. That was such a witty post, and I admire the way you can write about the most mundane stuff (not Spring) and turn it into something so creative and worth reading.
xx,
Raven