Oh, dear. You’ve really done it, haven’t you? You just fell prey to one of consumerism’s biggest myths — the resealable bag — and now you’re staring at your new purchase, wondering how to get the thing open. What was it? Cheese? Cereal? Doggie treats? Come on, you can confide in me.
Well, no matter what it was, let me tell you a little secret. You are not alone. Those so-called easy-open/easy-close bags? Yeah. They aren’t. And the directions? Ignore them; they encompass only a fraction of the steps you’ll have to take in order to use your product. But I’ll tell you what. I like you, I really do. And so I’ll give you a hand. I’ve been duped, too, after all. I understand. And so, for your tutelage, I will provide sample package directions, followed by the actual steps for opening, and then closing, such bags. Advanced users may wish to skip to steps seven and ten, respectively. Oh, and one more thing, from me to you: next time don’t believe the hype. Okay? No more buying products just because of the package’s ingenious engineering.
What the directions say:
1. To open bag, tear along dotted line.
What the directions mean:
1. Search in vain for mythological pre-torn notch said to enhance tearing power.
2. Give up. Use force in attempt to create notch.
3. Bandage bleeding finger.
4. Attempt to break into bag with teeth.
5. Make appointment with dentist to have chipped tooth repaired.
6. Study bag, looking once more for notorious notch or tear strip. NOTE: The red dashed line along the top is not a clue. It is only there to taunt you.
7. Use scissors.
8. Pull bag open.
9. Perform victory dance.
What the directions say:
1. To seal bag, press closed.
What the directions mean:
1. Clear seal strip of any obstructions, such as product residue, fingers, and air.
2. Line up both sides of strip.
3. Press strip closed.
4. Tug package opening gently to ensure that seal worked.
5. Repeat steps 1-4
6. Vow not to let a simple plastic bag defeat you.
7. Line up both sides of strip.
8. In surge of pragmatism (or is it despair?) press along just two inches of strip, so you haven’t wasted energy when seal continues not to function.
9. Test to ensure seal.*
10. Give up and tape, staple, or clothespin the @&*% thing closed.
*In the unlikely event that the seal works on the smaller section, continue as follows: Finish pressing along strip. Test seal. Realize you forgot to squeeze out all the air. Attempt to open only a small section of strip. Fail. Pick up spilled cheese, cereal, dog treats, etc. Discard. Squeeze air out of bag and begin again from step one above. Repeat as necessary until bag is sealed. NOTE: You may wish to simply skip to step ten.
I keep baby ship clips around so I can just cut bags open and clip them shut, case close…or rather bags closed:)
What a hoot! You put into hilarious words what we all experience way too often. I personally take issue with all the new, redesigned plastic bags that are much harder to use. So transferring doesn’t help. Except maybe transferring my rage. Okay, annoyance.
I can commiserate, but I can’t say as I’ve ever needed a band-aid after a tussle with a Ziplock. Keep trying. 😉
The only thing better than so-called re-sealable bags are containers, which A seal so tight you break nails prying off the lid, or B don’t seal at all so your kids knock them out of the fridge and spray spaghetti sauce all over he kitchen. Grr.
I have never once been able to open or close a resealable bag. I just imagined I was incompetent. Now I know. It’s THEM! See the public service you provide, Caryn? Plus, you make us all laugh so hard that tea comes out of our noses. Pure genius!
Thanks, Mary! And I agree with you — cheese packaging is definitely the worst. And I think the Kroger cheese is worst of all.
Thanks, Jones. 🙂
Ello, I’ve done that a time or two, though I hate to have to be so wasteful. Sometimes, though, there’s just no choice.
Bookbabie, I do something similar with clothespins. I have a never-ending supply of them in my kitchen.
LOL, on the transferring product/rage! And I’m with you — bags were easier to use before they tried to make them easy!
Ah, Alyssa. You must not be using sharp implements to open those bags, then! Actually, though, it’s not the Ziplocks that result in injury. It’s the bags that cheese and so many other products come in. The ones that are supposed to be easy to use, but really are not.
Lainey! So true! I didn’t think anything could be worse, but those actually are!
Sandi, that’s one thing I really like about blogging: admitting my foibles, only to find that so many others have the same problems! Now we can all be flawed and troubled together. 😉
Your instructions hit very close to home. Been there, done that, and recently. Clothespins, the old fashioned spring clip variety, do the trick for most problems. Except for Cream of Wheat boxes. Those require devious means and supplies that didn’t come with the box. Tape. Polybag. Tupperware.
Writtenwyrdd, Oh, I hate those boxes that refuse to stay closed! I think those little cardboard tabs are almost as deceptive as those zip closures on bags.