It has come to my attention that I am now allergic to our couch. This is not wholly unexpected. Spring is in the air, which means if you look at me wrong, I sneeze. With pollens already irritating my sensitivities, it doesn’t take much for anything else to send me over the edge into a reaction — in this case, a couch I purchased for fifty bucks from my ex-boyfriend’s ex-roommate’s ex-girlfriend (really) twelve years ago when she moved to another apartment and didn’t want to take it with her. In addition to a fold-out bed so treacherous it could mangle the strongest back, it houses an assortment of writing implements, several handfuls of change, and enough fur to make a full-grown cat.
Adding another allergen to my repertoire was not one of my goals for this year, no matter how worthy the specimen may be. To be honest, I’m still trying to get used to having allergies in the first place. Thanks to good luck in the lottery we call genetics, penicillin, strawberries, bees, and even poison ivy have never given me so much as a rash, sneeze, cough, or itch.
And then by chance I moved to the desert — the climate that physicians in Ohio (where I grew up) recommended for those sensitive to pollens and the like. Now I gleefully spend every spring sneezing. Which is where the couch comes in (again). When springtime rolls around, and the pollens are at their worst, something in or on the couch, knowing that I am temporarily weak, joins in and gives me hives. Since my husband’s not moving back east, and I won’t move without him, the couch has to be the one to go, because I can handle spring in the desert or I can handle ancient upholstery, but it turns out that I can’t handle both.
This is not a decision to be made lightly, however. I’ve had my sofa over a third of my life — longer than I’ve owned any item of clothing, three times longer than my husband and I have been married, and twenty-four times longer than I’ve had my car. Shabbiness and reaction-inducing upholstery aside, there are some serious attachment issues here. Which means I must a) learn to hate the thing so much I must be rid of it or b) find a replacement I like even better. Since the latter has turned out to be nigh unto impossible, it looks like I’m fully relying on choice number one. Once the Couch of Death (See? I’m trying.) is properly vilified in my mind, maybe it will be easier to send it to the great furniture warehouse in the sky and invite a younger, prettier model into our family room. I’ll even try not to feel too guilty about it, but I’m making no guarantees.
Closeup: Couch of Death + Minion (for scale)
Click on photo for enlarged villainy. It’s probably worth it.
Bummer, Caryn! Allergies are no fun. I’ve got them too and sneeze no less than oh, a dozen times a day. Maybe think about what joy the Couch of Death could bring to someone else (without allergies) if you donate it, and how a new couch means you get to start new memories.
Wow, I’d burn the darn thing. Get rid of couch. Buy something lovely and when it’s expiration date starts to creep up, toss it.
Gack allergy season. I feel your pain. I’m in the new sofa camp. Go shopping. Find something that repells cat fur. Or in our case- dog fur.
could that picture be any more hilarious?! 🙂 hope the allergies simmer down!
Robin, that stinks! Sorry you’re suffering, too. And you have a good point about giving the Couch of Death to someone else. Unfortunately, it’s gotten pretty tattered over the years. It’s been around a long time.
Melissa, it would be quite the bonfire. Of course, I should probably wait until Halloween to do that.
Eileen, I just need an allover fur repellant — for clothing, furniture, covers, etc. Now THAT would be a good invention.
Thanks, Virginia! The funny thing is that I didn’t even notice the teeth in the shadow at first. I was just happy I caught her with such an expression.
Caryn, I hate to add to everything else you’re dealing with, but there’s something I have to tell you. You see, your couch has been unfaithful.
It all started about 2 years ago and it began innocently enough. Your couch met my couch when they each joined an HGTV chat room abour reupholstry. Talks about chintzes and plaids let to favorite stuffings and colors and before you knew it, they were having internet sofa sex. I’ve seen transcripts of these sessions and it would make you sick. I think the worst part was not the graphic depictions of where this crossbar would go and using WD-40 in ways it was not meant to, but in how your couch talked about how you totally used him–you’d sit on him, sleep on him, and the worst–would eat dinner on him and spill something and not immediately clean it up. He mentioned Scotch Guarding but it was in such a way I wouldn’t feel comfortable in repeating it. Let’s just say the anatomical possibilities were very limited. (Not to mention extremely painful.)
So, I’m terribly sorry to bring this to you, but I felt you should know. Maybe it’s best if you two part company. Maybe not now, but someday after you’ve both had some time to heal, you could be friends again.
If you love your sofa, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be…
Seriously, get rid of the evil couch of hives. *g* We have a leather couch and it’s great, no pet dander to sink into it. If you do go with leather (and they are very soft these days) then buy the protection play and any nick or scratch (well, you DO have cats) are fixed for you.
Good luck!
I’m voting for leather too! We had a leather couch, then bought a cloth-covered one. Fortunately, we didn’t toss the leather one. On our last move, the leather sofa went back into the living room. They don’t stain (easily) and if you are contemplating kids, keep in mind that leather is much easier to clean when they’ve dumped something on it (not to mention when you hit that potty training age…).
Okay, Pam, after reading that I’ll definitely never look at my couch the same way again! Which should help make it easier to get rid of it, actually.
Brandy, not only do we have cats but we intend to have kids someday. That couch is toast. Of course, as Ilana pointed out, leather isn’t as likely to stain, which is good.
Omg, I laughed so hard at Pam’s post I almost spit my wine out.
Caryn, I’m voting for the leather couch! It is the only way to go 🙂 I’ve got a dog (though I do love cats…or any animal for that matter) and as long as the claws are clipped, leather is wonderful!