There are three things you should know about my day:
1) It’s Friday.
2) I got to go into work late.
3) While at work, I had to assemble a piece of furniture.
The first is universal, the second is lucky, and the third is capable of canceling out the pleasure of the other two. Oh, the project started out just fine, as all bad ideas do. I sliced open the box, pulled everything out, and got cozy on the floor with all the necessary ingredients: a rubber mallet, a screwdriver, and the recently unboxed parts — including the deceptively labeled ‘Assembly Instructions’. Which is where the project hit the skids. Because as it turns out a job illustrating for this particular company does not require an actual working knowledge of basic drawing skills. My friend Christa has freshman art students who can draw better diagrams than these. Let’s take the ‘cord management system’, for example. Despite the fancy name, which must have required at least mild ingenuity on the part of the writers, the illustrators did not deem it necessary to actually label it on the assembly diagram, which is just not fair. This left me to guess, and guessing + me + hardware = trouble. Which is why it took me over an hour and assistance from a friend with an honest-to-God engineering degree to finally get the thing fully built. Even he was bemused by a few of the directives, so I finally ended up skipping several of the more confusing ones. So far the cart is still standing and the world hasn’t crashed to a halt, so I think I’m safe.
Okay, I know I’ve been known to hyperbolize on occasion and I sense that you think I’m doing so now, but I assure you I’m not. And so, for your viewing pleasure, I’ve scanned step one. There are seven more where that came from, but I think this one gets the point across nicely. Just click on the photo if you’d like a larger version. It still won’t make sense, but at least you can say you tried. You can even attempt to find where the elusive ‘cord management system’ is if you’re feeling ambitious.
The good news is that sharing this with you has cheered me up considerably. Indeed, now that I’ve begun to move past the irritation-at-self-and-others stage of this trauma and the cart is fully assembled, I have started to develop a little affection for these instructions — even if the illustrators did cheat. I can even appreciate the fact that no one was injured during the cart-building process.
This will never be my favorite company communique, however, despite its total lack of sense. No, that honor is reserved for the single sheet my husband pulled from a box before assembling the simple wooden magazine rack contained within. The page has resided on our refrigerator ever since:
Carly, those sound like good guidelines to me! Especially if the person who’s helping happens to be handy with the tools and doesn’t mind doing the grunt work of moving the pieces around if need be.
Eileen, I can see what you mean by that. Especially with the adorable little guys on the instructions. They can either serve to soften the blow or to mock, depending on your mood. (Pam e-mailed me a copy of IKEA instructions, so now I know what they look like.)
Virginia, I’m with you on that. And I have the scars to back it up.
Hi Caryn!
Thanks for the comment at my site! I’ve never written a screenplay, either, but I’ve always wanted to, and a competition was just the jolt I needed to take the plunge. I did the same thing with short stories… I was always afraid of them, but then wrote one for a Writers Digest competition… Unfortunately, I didn’t win, but it got me going. Hopefully this one fairs better, but, if it doesn’t, at least it got me working on them!
That is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard. Who HASN’T had a bad experience with a piece of “assembly required” furniture? And I LOVE the “Cautious” note! That’s pretty much my life mantra RIGHT THERE! Haha.
You’re a good writer, and funny! My first thought was that you should consider writing a book… and then I saw you had! Several! I’ll be stopping by often to check on your progress!!!
~Kyle
I needed this story right now–we just “installed” our new microwave–well, my guy installed and I helped. One little piece of metal had to be removed for the fan to work. And my guy reads instructions. So it only took an hour to figure out HOW to remove it!
First it was mastering the reuaseable bag and now you’ve succeeded in assembling a cart. Before we know it, Caryn, you’ll have a show n HGTV! 😉
Never read the instructions! Go by your instincts at all times when it comes to assembly, this makes life more interesting.
I usually just look at the picture on the box and go for it!
If I fail on my first attempt, I try again.
If I can’t get it together on my own, I glance at the instructions.
If I messed something up, beyond repair like stripping a screw, on my initial attempt, I return the pile to the store and buy the display at a discount. They will discount it for me because I complain, complain, complain, until I get what I want.
Hilarious! I once tried to assemble a gate-leg table from IKEA. Impossible. I suffered major knuckle injuries from those silly allen (sp?) keys!
Sorry Caryn…I can’t relate. 😉
I usually only vaguely peruse the instructions…to get a general idea of progression. I learned long ago that the writers/illustrators of assembly instructions have not a clue.
My method drives my wife nuts…so much so that she won’t watch me assembling things because she wants to read the instructions in detail and then second-guess everything I’m doing. Occasionally I’ll let her steady things for me, but it’s usually best if she’s not around during assembly.
I have a love/hate relationship with build it yourself products. I try to avoid them at all cost. Because something that should only take 30 minutes to assemble turns into 2 hours of me cursing. And the things I assemble, not matter if I followed ALL directions, seem to lean to the left.
You have my sympathies.
Kyle, thank you so much for your kind words. They made my day. Seriously. 🙂 I hope you do stop by again. I enjoyed your blog as well.
Conda, what a pain! Glad you got it figured out, but still, it must not have been a fun hour!
LOL, Larramie! I tell ya, I’m out to conquer the world. Just watch out. 😉
Muse, I’ve bought floor models before, too, and for that same reason! As long as I can get them home all in one piece, I’m happy.
Joanne, I’m definitely going to have to think twice before I get anything from Ikea. Hope you healed speedily.
J.L., I can see why your wife won’t watch you when you use methods like that! But the fact that you can make it work anyway is quite impressive.
Melissa, I know what you mean! It ALWAYS takes me far, far longer than it seems like it should.
I sympathise. That diagram is clear as mud!
I don’t think self-assembly is ever the happy experience that catalogues and display pieces promise.
The worst is when you drive a hundred miles to Ikea, just manage to squeeze everything into the car, drive home, unload, unpack, decipher the instructions, and then find there’s a piece missing. Ahhhhhhh!