Calling me during inopportune times has become a bit of a trend lately, so for those who have not mastered the knack, let me give you a few pointers. Since I’m a compulsive phone-answerer*, these are almost always guaranteed to work.
First of all, if you make that call today, then six hours, twenty-eight minutes, and thirty-seven seconds from now would be the perfect time. At that moment, I should be just forking up my first bite of dinner. People usually phone while I’m chewing my second bite, so this way you’ll beat them to it.
When you call, it’s best if you launch into the most recent drama in your life without asking me if the timing is bad. Otherwise, I’ll ask to call you back, and that’s just inconvenient for both of us. As long as I don’t have a chance to speak, it’s the perfect opportunity for a little chat.
I promise to hold up my end of the bargain by not chewing in your ear, especially as our dinner has some crunch. Waiting should teach me an important lesson in self-discipline, and I will be a much better person for it.
You don’t mind, though, if I watch my dinner get cold while you chatter? It was so lovely and steamy when you called. But, no, waiting to eat until it’s cold would be no problem.
Really.
And, finally, if this is too short of notice, you should know that I have a shower planned for around eight tonight. If you call then, please interrogate me on what I was doing when you interrupted, because I so want you to picture me, shivering and dripping, shampoo sliding down my scalp toward my left ear. Me picturing you picturing me won’t ick me out at all. Truly. Hint: This works best if you’re a distant relative or my husband’s boss — someone I try to act sophisticated and grown-up around.
Afterward, I’d adore it if you had me take a message. Please leave a phone number, and then insist I read it back to you, in order to ensure I actually scrounged for something to write with — and something to write on.
Oh, and bed’s at ten.
Thank you. I knew I could count on you to work me into your schedule.
*For those of you who are not familiar with it, compulsive phone-answering is a serious disease brought about by an over-developed sense of curiosity coupled with the conviction that the person on the other end of the line has an emergency. Cell phones are not recommended for those suffering from this affliction. Leaving phone off the hook or unplugging it may temporarily alleviate symptoms.
I have been laughing at this! Please tell me you do NOT answer the phone when you are out with your friends. That is one of my ultimate do-not-dos. If someone took the time out of their schedule to spend it with you, don’t answer. Ever. Barring something like my parents calling, which happens once every three years or so. THen? It is legit to answer, though I would think your phone should be turned off. I honestly had a friend that liked to call at 2:00 am when bored, so I got in the habit along time ago of just shutting it off and not worrying about it. If someone is dead, I can’t help them at that point, and most anything less? Can wait until I am done with what I am currently doing. I have been called bad names before though, too, sooooooooo…
I totally answer my cell phone compulsively and NEVER answer my home phone. Ha. I figure if it is someone I want to talk to, they will call the cell … I am usually (mostly) right.
I always check caller ID first, because we get scads of nonprofits calling for $$$, and I just can’t say no, so I just pretend I’m not home. I’m really mistrustful of numbers I don’t know, so I usually err on the side of caution and let it go to voicemail if the number isn’t one I’m familiar with. Yeah, I’m all about the risk-taking.
Brilliant post that’s left me chuckling. I’ve learned to avert natural curiousity. I just let the phone ring if the moment is inopportune and then check the answering service later. I hate cold dinners and dripping all over the carpet! 🙂
I feel guilty not answering when I *hear* the phone, in case it’s important. And I hate noise, so the sound of a ringing phone drives me bonkers and I have to answer it to make the phone shut up. Of course, we don’t have a house phone for this reason, and I put my cell phone on silent so I do all right with avoiding calls. It’s only if I happen to hear the little buzzing of my cell phone vibrating in my purse that I have to answer.
I never do the caller-ID ignore thing; it feels rude to me.
My in-laws never answer their phone; they screen their calls on the answering machine. I hate having to hear the phone ring six times and then most of the time they go answer it anyway. *shudder*
I agree about not taking conversations when you’re out with friends, though. I’ll always answer if I know it’s ringing, explain that I’m busy and will call back when I’m available, and that’s it.
I don’t find unplugging or turning off helps with the compulsion because then I worry I’m going to miss something important, like my mother fell down the stairs or something. In addition to phone-answering-compulsion I suffer from worst-case-scenario-itis. So I leave it buried in my purse. It’s on, I look at it regularly to see what calls I miss, but I don’t have to actually answer unless I hear it. The system seems to work for me thus far.
Hi Caryn! I used to be…oh hold on a second my phone’s ringing…….
Okay, I’m back. 🙂
Seriously, I used to be like you, but ever since getting Caller ID, I’ve become less inclined to answer the phone if it’s not someone I really want to talk to. I’m not a big phone person when at home because there’s too many other things I’d rather be doing or am in the middle of doing. (BTW, your post was brilliant!) Catch me on my cell phone, however, and I’m all yours.
Ack! To clarify, I don’t answer the phone when I’m out with friends because, well, I don’t have a cell phone. Actually, we do, but it’s only for emergencies, and my husband has it far more than I do. I’ve had friends who answer when I’m out with them and I hate that! That’s usually when they first get their cell phones, though. After a while they just check the caller ID (or judge based on the ring tone) and then decide whether or not to answer–and usually don’t. If I had a cell phone, it would be big trouble, because I’d want to answer it all the time. I’m like Jess, though; we just recently got caller ID and on the rare occasions when I make myself not answer it I fell very rude. I twitch with every ring and the whole time the person is leaving a message on our machine–if they do.
How about if you’re waiting for an important call from medical personnel with results from a medical test you had done. This would:
A) Falsely elevate your hopes.
B) Keep you from being answer the medical call when it comes, if you don’t happen to have call waiting.
This would apply to a call from a potential employer if you have intereviewed recently.