Calling me during inopportune times has become a bit of a trend lately, so for those who have not mastered the knack, let me give you a few pointers. Since I’m a compulsive phone-answerer*, these are almost always guaranteed to work.
First of all, if you make that call today, then six hours, twenty-eight minutes, and thirty-seven seconds from now would be the perfect time. At that moment, I should be just forking up my first bite of dinner. People usually phone while I’m chewing my second bite, so this way you’ll beat them to it.
When you call, it’s best if you launch into the most recent drama in your life without asking me if the timing is bad. Otherwise, I’ll ask to call you back, and that’s just inconvenient for both of us. As long as I don’t have a chance to speak, it’s the perfect opportunity for a little chat.
I promise to hold up my end of the bargain by not chewing in your ear, especially as our dinner has some crunch. Waiting should teach me an important lesson in self-discipline, and I will be a much better person for it.
You don’t mind, though, if I watch my dinner get cold while you chatter? It was so lovely and steamy when you called. But, no, waiting to eat until it’s cold would be no problem.
Really.
And, finally, if this is too short of notice, you should know that I have a shower planned for around eight tonight. If you call then, please interrogate me on what I was doing when you interrupted, because I so want you to picture me, shivering and dripping, shampoo sliding down my scalp toward my left ear. Me picturing you picturing me won’t ick me out at all. Truly. Hint: This works best if you’re a distant relative or my husband’s boss — someone I try to act sophisticated and grown-up around.
Afterward, I’d adore it if you had me take a message. Please leave a phone number, and then insist I read it back to you, in order to ensure I actually scrounged for something to write with — and something to write on.
Oh, and bed’s at ten.
Thank you. I knew I could count on you to work me into your schedule.
*For those of you who are not familiar with it, compulsive phone-answering is a serious disease brought about by an over-developed sense of curiosity coupled with the conviction that the person on the other end of the line has an emergency. Cell phones are not recommended for those suffering from this affliction. Leaving phone off the hook or unplugging it may temporarily alleviate symptoms.
Nope I hate phones! I only answer when I know who is calling and I want to talk to them. Otherwise, leave a message…or better yet, send an email. You might actually get a reply faster that way!
I’m compulsive about NOT answering the phone. If it’s next to me- I’ll glance to see who it is, but nine times out of ten, I still won’t answer it. And because of this, it rarely rings anymore. . .
Snort.
As a fellow compulsive phone answer person – what if it’s Oprah begging me to be on the show?- this one cracked me up.
i am a compulsive email answerer. its pathological. i really need help!
Then what do you do with those guilt trip messages? Some times I answer, some times I don’t. I have recently trained myself that it’s okay not to answer the phone. I tell myself to turn it off and I do. I’m working at home now, after all. Would I be able to take all those calls if I were working at a job outside of the home? I think not.
Then the guilt trip sets in…I’m not guilty, I’m working! Heck some friends and family can reeeeallllllly lay it on thick.
Like others too, I am afflicted by the opposite problem. When people call me at home it feels like a violation.
But, I am nuts.
Hilarious.
I don’t necessarily hate getting phone calls, but I hate the phone calls that start off, “what are you doing?” I answer the question and a long silence follows.
Thank you, Eileen, for admitting that you have the same issue! I have to say, though, the rest of you guys are really inspiring me to just let the phone ring. I do admit that when I’m writing from home I usually leave the phone off the hook — when I remember to do so. Like The Muse said, though, I end up getting a lot of guilt trips. I don’t get that many calls, but they always happen when I am doing something that’s difficult to interrupt, or when I have the phone off the hook.
I am the exact opposite. I don’t answer the phone. I will for only about five numbers that show up on the call display- everyone else is S-O-L. It’s so bad I don’t even check messages anymore. I make my kids do it. Serious avoidance problems. We should get together and even everything out!
Sorry to hear about your compulsive-phone-answering syndrome. It sounds dreadful.
The phone and I have a love/hate relationship. Love on it’s side (most of the time) and Hate on mine (again, most of the time). I’m used to ignoring it unless otherwise required.
I feel for you, though.