Calling me during inopportune times has become a bit of a trend lately, so for those who have not mastered the knack, let me give you a few pointers. Since I’m a compulsive phone-answerer*, these are almost always guaranteed to work.
First of all, if you make that call today, then six hours, twenty-eight minutes, and thirty-seven seconds from now would be the perfect time. At that moment, I should be just forking up my first bite of dinner. People usually phone while I’m chewing my second bite, so this way you’ll beat them to it.
When you call, it’s best if you launch into the most recent drama in your life without asking me if the timing is bad. Otherwise, I’ll ask to call you back, and that’s just inconvenient for both of us. As long as I don’t have a chance to speak, it’s the perfect opportunity for a little chat.
I promise to hold up my end of the bargain by not chewing in your ear, especially as our dinner has some crunch. Waiting should teach me an important lesson in self-discipline, and I will be a much better person for it.
You don’t mind, though, if I watch my dinner get cold while you chatter? It was so lovely and steamy when you called. But, no, waiting to eat until it’s cold would be no problem.
Really.
And, finally, if this is too short of notice, you should know that I have a shower planned for around eight tonight. If you call then, please interrogate me on what I was doing when you interrupted, because I so want you to picture me, shivering and dripping, shampoo sliding down my scalp toward my left ear. Me picturing you picturing me won’t ick me out at all. Truly. Hint: This works best if you’re a distant relative or my husband’s boss — someone I try to act sophisticated and grown-up around.
Afterward, I’d adore it if you had me take a message. Please leave a phone number, and then insist I read it back to you, in order to ensure I actually scrounged for something to write with — and something to write on.
Oh, and bed’s at ten.
Thank you. I knew I could count on you to work me into your schedule.
*For those of you who are not familiar with it, compulsive phone-answering is a serious disease brought about by an over-developed sense of curiosity coupled with the conviction that the person on the other end of the line has an emergency. Cell phones are not recommended for those suffering from this affliction. Leaving phone off the hook or unplugging it may temporarily alleviate symptoms.
There is always the option of not answering the phone at dinner time or while in the shower. 🙂 I know it’s old-fashioned but it works. No phone calls during dinner was always a rule when I was growing up and I don’t care how many times it rings, no phone call is getting me out of my shower. Of course I am the person that won’t answer the phone, even when I’m sitting right next to it, if I don’t feel like talking. That’s what answering machines and caller ID are for.
I must agree completely with people calling late at night or early in the morning. What happened to calling at decent hours?
True. It’s just so hard not to answer, though. Especially since I only recently got caller ID and am still getting used to that little feature. It drives me nuts when people don’t leave messages; I feel like I’m missing something.
I almost never answer the phone so people are forced to email me.
Hilarious–and may explain why I forget that I’ve turned my cell phone to vibrate/off, sometimes for days.
I never answer the phone. Ever.
Ever.
If someone I know wants me to answer, they usually call my Significant Other to tell him to tell me to ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE. Swear!
I amend that–I will 90% of the time answer for my mom and my best friend. And my kids’ schools in case one of them is sick and needs to be picked up. But that’s it. Hate the phone. Have a cell phone. Never answer it.
🙂
E
I’m your opposite. If I’m not in the mood to talk, I’ll ignore the phone. If I’m in the mood to talk, I check caller ID to make sure the caller is worthy.
Strangely enough, people say I’m difficult to get a hold of. 🙂
I’m with Stacy… I’m impossible to catch on the phone unless you are one of my 3 best friends… but I’m great at responding to email! :o)
xox
I don’t answer the phone unless I know who’s calling and I usually only answer my cell-phone. And I make NO calls unless it’s to hubs. I have a weird anxiety thing about making calls.*g*
I seriously need to be more like you guys. I’m working on it. We recently got caller ID, and now I’m a little better about letting a call go to the answering machine. At least if they don’t leave a message, I can still call them back and see what they were calling about. But it’s still difficult. Again, it could just be a procrastination technique, like writing letters to my manuscripts and such. If I’m on the phone, I don’t need to be doing whatever other task I was working on.
That’s why I love caller ID. If I don’t feel like talking to the caller, leave a message. If you don’t leave a message, then the call wasn’t important.
If I’m watching a movie, reading a book or watching a TV show I will not answer the phone unless it is my mother.