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I bought a tub of cottage cheese the other day, which means my weight loss plan finally has a chance of working. I never would have made the connection, except the other night hubby and I were in a restaurant and, while I was trying to decide which delectably greasy item to order, guilt nudged me toward the “On the Lite Side”(sic) portion of the menu. You know, all that heart-healthy, tasteless crap they dish up just so they can say they cater to everyone. It was there that I saw the key to effortless weight loss. It’s a trick that all restaurants seem to know, yet women’s magazines still have not picked up on: eat cottage cheese. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, according to menus across the country, one scoop of cottage cheese is all you need in order to stay healthy and lose weight, no matter what accompanies those blessed curds. And the good news is, all restaurant diet plates come with it, so you’ll never be without this magic gut-shrinking agent. And to think, you’ve been lied to all this time: Dieting is not about the portion size, the fat content, or even those now-meaningless calories (or kilocalories for those sticklers out there).
Skeptical? Itching for more specific proof than “every restaurant’s doing it”? Fine, then. Just witness this listing under the diet section of the restaurant menu mentioned above: ½ lb. ground top sirloin with a side of peaches and cottage cheese. And, no, I swear to you I’m not making this up. In fact, I just called the restaurant to verify, in case it was actually supposed to read “Mixed salad greens tossed in a light vinaigrette dressing, accompanied by a side of steamed broccoli and a dish of low fat cottage cheese”.
Since all evidence points to syrupy canned peaches, and we all know a whopping ½ lb. serving of beef doesn’t fit into traditional heart-healthy parameters, it must be the cottage cheese that makes this dinner choice “lite”. Which is the reason I had no worries about the contents of my plate at a family barbeque I attended on Saturday. All I had to do was add a spoonful of the miraculous side dish, and I could eat whatever I wanted. In fact, when I weighed myself that night, I had actually lost weight. It’s a miracle.
My kind of diet: Cheeseburger, baked beans, brownie and, of course, cottage cheese (which makes it all good for me).
May 18th, 2009 at 3:28 am
I think you are on to something there. I have seen the megahuge burger patty, canned peach and cottage cheese diet plate in a number of restaurants over the years. I like it because it’s high protein and I like cottage cheese; but it certainly isn’t diet!
May 18th, 2009 at 6:25 am
LOL! I think someone in the restaurant biz has stumbled across a stash of women’s mags from the seventies.
Angie
May 18th, 2009 at 9:23 am
And to think I thought grapefruit was the magic ingredient!
May 18th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Lol
I ate a ton of cottage cheese and ramen noodles in college (cuz they were cheap) so I can’t eat either anymore!
May 18th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Hahahah!
That’s awesome.
xox
May 18th, 2009 at 11:37 am
@Writtenwyrd – I know! No complaints if your goal isn’t weight loss…
@Angie – You know, it is a pretty old-fashioned restaurant. Wonder when they last updated their menus – other than the prices, of course!
@Stacy – So sorry to disillusion you, dear. Now you know…
@Katie – Ugh! I can’t even think about Ramen noodles, and I graduated from college years ago! I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to eat them again. You’re right, though; they are definitely easy on the pocket book.
@Heidikins – Thanks!
May 18th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Hilarious, Caryn! And reminds me of when my mom-in-law tried the hot sauce diet: take a tablespoon of hot sauce before every meal and eat what you want. She lost a ton of weight because she’s allergic to chilis and her throat got so sore she didn’t want to eat!
May 18th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Wow..that plate doesn’t even look appealing. That’d be diet enough for me.
May 18th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Cottage cheese? Ick. If I ever want t start dieting, I’m doomed.
May 18th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Don’t they fry cottage cheese? If not, they should.
May 18th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Caryn:
My favorite part of the picture is your precisely placed items that are well out of reach of one another! That’s my kind of plate!
May 18th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
All the protein on the plate dehydrated you. Drink a glass of water, and the weight will return. Hahahaha! Can I have two of those brownies? Please?
May 19th, 2009 at 7:08 am
YES!! Finally, the missing link we’ve been waiting for! (I’m trying it)
May 19th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Yuck. Even the mention of cottage cheese is enough to put me off my food — so in that way I suppose it might be a miracle diet solution!
May 19th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I love cottage cheese. This gives me a reason to buy it more often!
However, when I get to go out to a restaurant all diet restrictions go out the window. I want it as rich, fatty, and unhealthy as I can have it! It’s a good thing I only go out to eat a few times a year.
Caryn, about your comment on my last post. WordPress is supposed to have a related post widget add on. I think it’s a good idea to have the extra incentive for readers to read more.
Have a great day!
May 19th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
LOL, Caryn! It should be so easy.
Are there guidelines to the amount of cottage cheese consumed on a daily basis?
May 19th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Now I’m really hungry for some baked beans, cheeseburgers and watermelon. This is why I love spring, cook outs are possible!
However, I cannot eat cottage cheese because… well, I just can’t. Something seems deeply wrong with it. I’m glad it helped you lose a few pounds like you wanted though!
May 19th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
LOL, Caryn! I think you may be on to something… I bought a 16oz. pkg. of fat-free cottage cheese last week and, omg, I checked the expiration date 3x to see if, maybe, it was past due and, thus, the horrid taste might be reasonably explained… I didn’t seem to notice the problem once in was in the mixed in the middle of my 3 cheese, spiced meat lasagna, however. Perhaps to get the full weight-loss effect, it needs to be eaten individually?
May 19th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
ROFLOL. Who knew it was that easy? What about just the brownie and cottage cheese? I should be model-thin with just that, right?
May 20th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
i’ve never been able to get past the LOOK of cottage cheese.
May 20th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Gosh, and I always thought the miracle ingredient was grapefruit! As in “I’ll have the 4-cheese lasagna, with a tossed salad with extra thousand island and a large chocolate milkshake. Oh, and I am on a diet, so I will have half a grapefruit for dessert.” Now that you mention it, however, I love that ‘Heart N Healthy’ section on the menu. Gives us endless conversation over dinner. Without cottage cheese.
May 21st, 2009 at 10:13 am
This is brilliant! How could I not have realized?
May 27th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
I see a cookbook in your future!
(And my plate would have been lighter on the burger, heavier on the brownie.)
May 28th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Love it!
The brownie looks delicious. 
Five brownies = five servings of cottage cheese
May 30th, 2009 at 1:05 am
Baby vomit.
That’s all I’m saying.
June 1st, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I have to confess I could not eat what is on your plate… I think I would skip food all together…
June 2nd, 2009 at 8:46 am
I don’t think I’ve ever eaten cottage cheese. I can’t remember even one instance of it! Guess I know what my problem’s been all these years now. Thanks for solving the mystery, Caryn!
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:48 am
I had to laugh at the above comment, baby vomit. Geeish.
But dieting is out for me, it always has been. The new problem now is Cholesterol. Keeping out the fat, although my body makes it, it is so damn hard not to eat products containing the No, no substance. No cakes, no fatty food, less cheese, or no cheese, no mexican, no eggs ( now that is a newy as I thought 1 egg a week was good) No processed food…It’s no nothing.
I’m doomed. lol…
June 20th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Any chance of losing weight by walking down the grocery store aisle with cottage on it?