Warning: Moderately explicit imagery ahead. If you are young and impressionable, easily shocked, or my parents, feel free to move along.
This morning I kicked off my list of errands with a stop at the fitness center, where I pounded out a 55-minute suffer fest on their diabolical machines. I find that ignoring exercise is the easiest way to get through it, so I queued up an old audiobook that I bought last year based on an inexplicable number of five-star reviews and never could finish.
Almost immediately, the two main characters jumped into bed together (and by bed, I mean the shower). Since I’m not one for the, uh, more intimate scenes, I set the player to double speed and hoped the hero and heroine found quick gratification.
They did not. Their staying power was impressive, their stamina improbable. And the author described everything in such detail that even the most die-hard love scene fans would find it tedious. It went on. And on. And on. Annoyed, I finally gave up, stopping the book well before the big finish (if their recent performance was any indication).
Over the next hour Sunshine and I drove all over town, ticking through my to-do list. Just before lunchtime, when my exercise session and the accompanying book were a distant and unpleasant memory, we hit our final stop.
My iPod dock recently died – it could play music, but it couldn’t charge any devices. Since it was less than a month old, I took it back to Radio Shack to see what they could do. I explained the issue and handed it to the guy at the counter, a skinny kid in his early twenties. Just to be helpful, I also passed over my iPod so he could diagnose the problem. Because I’d already gone through a few rounds of testing on my own, the dock’s volume was up. When the guy clicked my iPod into place and pressed the play button, it positively blared my audiobook, the narrator picking up mid-sentence with the lascivious, “…circling lazily around her nipple.”
Horrified, I leapt forward and yanked the iPod out of the dock, but it was too late. The store was utterly silent, every customer frozen in place. A million explanations came to mind, but I was a second too late for a convincing, “Oh, my. I wonder how that got on there?”
The awkwardness hung in the air until, flustered, the salesclerk thrust a new dock at me and wished me a good afternoon. He couldn’t quite meet my eyes, which was fine since I couldn’t look at him either. Through force of will I lifted my chin, flashed a cursory smile in his general direction, thanked him, and fled. Sunshine, oblivious, waved a cheerful goodbye to everyone on our way out the door.
Although I’ll have to let the incident ripen a bit before I know for certain, I believe this morning’s debacle just nudged aside number three on my list of Most Embarrassing Moments (yes, there are two that are worse than this). Want to make me feel better? Feel free to share one of yours below, or put it up on your blog and give me a link in the comments so I can go check it out.
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About Me
I am the stay-at-home mother to a toddler nicknamed Sunshine. During nap times I write books, blog, and play around with the photos I've taken. I live in the southwestern U.S. with my husband, daughter, and two cats. My books are represented by Erzsi Deàk of Hen & Ink Literary Studio.
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Too, too funny. How fast did you run out of there?
Bwaahahahaha! Oh my lawsy, this is hilarious! And awful! And so funny I almost snorted my diet soda all over my laptop!
xox
That is really funny.
I have a lot of embarrassing moments. Most of them require tripping (such as falling off the bus in 8th grade). I did once wear mismatched shoes to work, and it took me an amazingly long time to figure it out because they were the same height and slip ons.
@Dru – I’m usually a pretty fast walker, but I think I set a record today!
@Heidikins – Thanks for commiserating. It helps.
@Stacy – Those sound like things I would do! I especially love the shoe one.
Sorry, but I can’t stop smiling about this. It’s too funny. I’ve embarrassed myself many a time, but I totally try not to remember them. One in particular comes to mind, so maybe I’ll blog about it. I’m finding it easier to laugh at myself the older I get.
Oh, and I’m thinking the mid-sentence audio could have been a lot worse.
Hilarious! Caryn, thanks for the laugh this morning — just what I needed to help me wake up!
I was all set to defend audio books based on your post’s title but now I’m too busy trying not to chuckle. I’m sorry that happened to you but at least you got a funny blog post out of it!
@Robin – I like your policy of not remembering your most embarrassing moments. I wish I could do that, but they’re burned into my memory.
@Sherri – Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.
@PomJob – No worries. I love audiobooks – usually! As for a blog post, most things are worth it if there’s no lasting harm and you get a good story out of them.
Oh my goodness, I would have died! Actually I would have gone home and obsessively thought of things I could have said to save my behind. That’s too funny. Thanks for sharing
Jess, I do that ALL the time! I think that’s one of the reasons I write – so I have time to think up witty, perfect, sharp responses for my characters. You know, the kind I can never think of when I’m actually in the moment. My characters are so much smarter than I am.
LOL!!! Oh, Caryn, this is GREAT, though. Writers LIVE for moments like this! And, unfortunately (or fortunately?!), I’ve had many such experiences, too… My son as a toddler was the source of quite a few of them — LOTS of loud, inappropriate questions in public — so Sunshine may help you gain a few more similarly memorable moments in the years ahead
.
Oh, goodie! Something to look forward to.
Seriously, I have a few friends who post their kids’ embarrassing comments on Facebook. I LOVE them and hope that I’m as cool about it as they are when it starts to happen.
LOL … literally, I just laughed out loud. After spending the past five hours editing and querying, your blog post was the perfect way to lighten things up. Thank you for that!
Seriously, though, I totally get the mortification. I can’t even imagine how many shades of red you must have turned. On the bright side, at least Sunshine’s too young to understand what happened?
I have tons of embarrassing moments. One was all the way back in seventh grade, when I said “lbs” instead of “pounds” during an oral presentation on the sea otter (I HATE public speaking and got so flustered that I basically read my notecards verbatim, even when clearly the abbreviation wasn’t a word on its own). The second one happened when I was twenty-three and somehow managed to not only trip over an open suitcase, but fall into the metal bar on its side. It’s funny in retrospect, but holy COW, did it hurt. Five years later and I still have a dent in my shin from it – and, of course, I continue to get teased about it!
Thanks! I’m glad I could make your day a little more fun. You deserve a little fun, too, since I do believe you’re supposed to be on vacation right now.
By the way, your story reminded me of the time I broke my toe TWICE. We were in a hotel and it was very dark. I forgot there was a small coffee table, so I banged into it on the way to the bathroom. Then, on the way back, I hit it again with the very same toe. My husband kept asking if I was okay, but I could tell he was trying so hard not to laugh at the same time. Can’t blame him – it actually was kind of funny in retrospect.
Oh, my!
By which, of course, I mean that sounds completely like something I would do! With my youngest in tow. Who would, without a doubt, ask me to play that one about the nipple again. No doubt.
I have SO many….but since I brought him up…I’ll just leave you with one involving my youngest, for now.
There are a few quiet moments during church on Sunday. It is a given that this is when your child will embarrass you. But a year or so ago, my son took advantage of the relative silence and his new-found vocabulary to YELL: “Father D is a boy. HE HAS A PENIS!”
Lory, I have to tell you that your comment made me laugh out loud. Not a ladylike chuckle or a tiny giggle, but a full-on LAUGH. Thanks for that!
I’m so sorry but I laughed so hard. It’s the type of thing you see in movies. Something with Steve Carell. Anyways, yes, I can see why you are frustrated with audiobooks. However, perhaps it’s not audiobooks in general but just this audiobook.
Laugh away, Clarissa! Even as I drove back home I was already thinking about who I should tell because they might find it funny, even if I couldn’t laugh about it quite yet.
As for audiobooks, you’re totally right. It’s not their fault. It was operator error, 100%. I love audiobooks – well, other than this one, at least. They help make so many mundane tasks so much more fun.
HA! I laughed out loud at this. Too embarrassing!! I found your blog through a friend’s and boy am I glad I did. This was very entertaining. Thanks!
OH. MY. GOD.
That truly is one of the best embarrassing moments I’ve ever heard. I can’t even top that (and I’m a klutz, so that’s saying something.)
Congrats on landing an agent, BTW! it’s nice to hear an inspirational story!
Well, at least you know that we feel your pain.
Like those people had never read a book or seen a movie like that! Palease. LOL. It reminds me of when I worked at Old Tucson. I had a friend who played a dancing girl. She took her preschooler to a store, where she announced to two fawning women that her mommy danced for a living. Uh huh. Not the right kind of dancing that came to mind.
I’m laughing so hard I can hardly type much less think.
I’ve had some lulus but I can’t top that.
Giggles and Guns
Oh my! What an experience! I haven’t listened to a romance audiobook, but I think I would be, like you, so uncomfortable I’d turn if off. I usually skip over those intimate moments, which is usually fine. There was this one time when the protagonists declared their love while “in the throws of passion” and their love proclamation came up later in the book. I was thoroughly confused.
Soooo…what was the name of that book?
ha ha ha…
Oh dear. I think I’d practically combust in your shoes (I have a very, very low embarrassment level). I’m not sure I can top that.
Oh my goodness! I would have died! You have a great story to tell others now. Thanks for stopping by my blog today
@Jen – LOL!!
@Shelly – Thanks for stopping by and commenting, and for letting me know how you found my blog. I’m always curious.
@Jeanmarie – Lucky! And thanks for the congrats on the agent. I’m very excited.
@Lisa – Good point! Surely they’ve read even more embarrassing stuff. I mean, the kid behind the counter was in his early twenties. You can’t tell me all his reading material is G-rated. And I loved your story about your dancing friend!
@Mary – Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Glad you found it funny.
Hilarious! I actually laughed out loud! I totally didn’t see this coming, and only realized the full implications of that darn audio book just as you were saying that the volume was up all the way on the dock. I had to keep reading despite-or perhaps more accurately, because- I just knew something beyond mortifying was about to happen. This is priceless Caryn, thanks for the laugh!
@E.R. King – I love romances, but I usually read the print versions, partially for that very reason. I feel your pain on missing important plot points when you skip the intimate scenes, too. I usually skim for dialogue, but I still miss stuff sometimes.
@Jen – I don’t want to say on my blog, since I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I can email you if you want.
@Emy & Suzie – I was absolutely dying of embarrassment. I think the only thing that helped was blogging it. Somehow that distanced me from it and made it seem not so bad. Plus, of course, there’s the consolation of having a good story. I’m not about to blog my two more embarrassing moments, though. They will live forever in my memory – and, unfortunately, in the memories of a few other select people (because what is an embarrassing moment without witnesses).
@Lindy – Oh, good! I was hoping I built the story just right. It’s hard to tell sometimes.
*spew* This is the funniest thing I’ve read today! I’m so sorry for the whole incident, but dude. That’s FUNNY.
That is HILARIOUS. The only thing I can say to make you feel better, is that you’ll probably never see or at least recognize any of those people again. At least that’s what I tell myself every time I fall down/run into something/spill my drink in public:)
I’m sorry, Caryn…but I have to say that your humiliation made me laugh out loud. Not you personally, mind you, but the situation. I can just see the acne-studded Radio Shack staff turning beet red and casting their eyes downward.
Oh man! I was blushing for you!! (Of course I blushed as I laughed hysterically). Totally embarrassing!
AHHHHH!!!! *Snort* omg dies for you!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! LOVE!!!
@Elana – Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment, too. By the way, I love your blog and had a great time at WriteOnCon.
@Lindsay – That’s my only consolation. I live in a very small town, but I didn’t recognize anyone there. I keep worrying, though, that there was someone there who knew me but I didn’t know them, and now word will be all over town. As if I’m really that gossip-worthy!
@Janet & Christina – Thanks for commiserating. That always makes it better.
@Heather – Glad you liked it.
OMG, that’s funny!
hahahah:)
i recently told a homeless man i enjoyed the winter in southern california becuz i don’t mind the rain. he reminded me he sleeps outdoors. i bowed my head and felt my face burn. but he was so cool, laughing and saying it was okay.
nice to meecha. here from mama z’s.
Wait! Nobody said, “Now that’s the kind of workout I want.” LOL!
@Wil – Glad you liked it.
@Ed – So glad you stopped by! And, yes, I can see why you would be embarrassed. At least you weren’t being intentionally rude. He must get that sort of thing all the time.
@Marcia – LOL! Well, Jen *did* ask for the title…
I would have died. Just keep telling yourself you’ll (hopefully) never see them again!
I hope I won’t! It’s a small town, but at least the person I knew who was there probably didn’t know me.
I’m sure it was embarrassing for you, but you have made my day! hilarious!
I remember my friend and I were watching Sex and the City when her five year old daughter walked in on the two naked women in the bathtub scene. Whoops. I am an audiobook addict, but I never thought about the “oops factor” before. Thanks for the warning.
bwahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh. This is classic. I’m laughing with you.
Ha ha. That was funny. I must say, I would be terribly embarrassed, but the best stories are like that.
So funny! I know it was embarrassing, but wasn’t it worth it! (By the way, the only way I can get through exercise is also through distraction.)
Lmao!! That’s hilarious…
First this: “and by bed, I mean the shower,” and then the Radio Shack “incident” — thx for starting my morning out laughing. Definitely a scene that needs to find it’s way into a book–audio, or not. Hope you have a nearby Best Buy you can shop out instead. Hehe.
Gasping. For. Breath. I am laughing so hard.
!!!!!!!
Oh. My. God. That is too funny. Reminds me of this time I was buying tampons in high school and the clerk (this big guy who looked like he could play in the NBA) held up the box of tampons and yelled over the microphone: “I need a price check on OB TAMPONS on aisle four.” Repeated numerous times. :/ ugh